John Clifford Ness

Last night as a two-year old, last post on the blogspot for awhile

2011-01-27T22:11:00.006-05:00

Bug was born three years ago Friday, and from the start we sang her songs off the White Album because this is what we could recall in our sleep-deprived state. She's now a Paul-singing, nose picking person. Here's her song before bed tonight:

Over the past year, I've done a shit job of doing my Daily Bug, but I've done a relatively consistent job of updating that Tumblr microblog on the right side of the page. I've just gotten too damn lazy to keep using this blogspot product that Google refuses to improve. So, starting on Bug's first birthday tomorrow, I'll be posting updates here.

It won't be just about her and the family: there will be occasional embedded 10-minute videos of Spanish translations of the "Dental Plan" scene. But it will be more regular content about her and the family than I've been able to put up here, because I can just point my phone at her, tell her to scream DONKEY POOP and there see that's a post. It's consistency of a sort. Come over and give it a look.

Such a Perfect Day

2010-11-02T22:08:00.002-04:00

The kid discovered leaves over Halloween weekend.

I Spy With My Little Eye

2010-10-14T00:48:00.000-04:00

From Junebuggin' Plus

Daddy Day Is Nutrition Day

2010-10-12T00:38:00.003-04:00

We've all been sick with the sneezevomits, and on Sunday it was Damn Wifus' turn to come down with the full blown zombie eyes. My solution: Take Bug to a playground by the Upper New York Bay and introduce her to pig-in-a-blankets. So what if she had a fever 12 hours ago and was constipated all weekend? Doctor Chinstrap says 4 ounces of spiced meat and some fresh air is all the cure a growing girl needs.

Yeah, she had a fever again today. But she's wreaked havoc on her diaper in a manner that would do a Visigoth proud. Once I find a way to fry hot dogs in Children's Motrin, we'll have every symptom of this virus cornered.

Ready to Pounce on One of the Slower Bubbles Straying From the Herd

2010-09-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

Let the Wookie Win

2010-09-08T00:06:00.003-04:00

Posting pics of your kids oughtta be obligatory after a Louie finale.

Labor Day Weekend

2010-09-06T23:06:00.007-04:00

Playing with the new iPhone app. I'd be honored if you'd send any of the more pretentious shots to FYSP.

This is Bug at the Philly zoo, taking in the kittenpup magic that is sea otters.

This is the view from the front door of one of two Marriotts sitting next to each other in front of City Hall. The blue filter reflects my mood upon realizing I'd gotten parking validation info from the wrong one.

She met a man who lived in one of Philadelphia's many murals. She tried to pay him $80 to cover our share of the dinner, but he snuck it into Damn Wifus' purse. Bug swore sudden, bloody, anvils-from-a-window revenge.

HAIR.

This is my niece. She can kick the ball so hard it takes the shape of a jelly bean.

Nothing relaxes like a stroll in the field while soiling one's capris on a ninety degree day. This is the only time Daddy's grants us such freedom.

It was a great game. Bug celebrated/prepared for her Halloween costume with handfuls of broccoli

My niece enjoys a well-deserved Italian ice. My daughter projectile vomits zero point five seconds after this picture is taken.

She sleeps her way home, but Guard Shark, a token from our Philadelphia hosts, never does.

Fridays Home With Dad Are Boring

2010-09-03T06:38:00.000-04:00

She lays across my lap and her bones disappear, she's that bored.

We've Settled on Paddington

2010-09-02T23:29:00.001-04:00

Did you hear? It's raining

2010-08-31T00:22:00.001-04:00

She's a Lady, Woah Woah Woah

2010-08-29T21:04:00.002-04:00

Socks on the beach, y'all.

This Is Why We Use Two Hands

2010-08-28T15:37:00.008-04:00

"Yes, you can ride with the big girl. Just make sure you hold on."

"Good girl."

"That a girl."

The following is only visible after photographic review. Notice the one finger off the chain:

Notice the two fingers off the chain:

Notice the five fingers off. Also notice the guy in the gray shirt looking at me like I'm an asshole father.

And then, predictably:

Note: This picture above accurately portrays how reality warps the first second you see your kid take her first faceplant.

(This happened a week ago on plastic foam flooring. The kid was/is fine.)

Lake Half Empty, Lake Half Full

2010-07-12T22:59:00.001-04:00

Fatherly duties for the night

2010-06-29T23:49:00.004-04:00

Things accomplished:

Watched Louie.
They say if you've got one roach you've got a million, but that's a damned lie. We've has this 8 ounce roach running around our living room for a month, and it's just him. He made another run for it tonight out of the corner of my eye, and the only tool available was my wife's guide to Rome. He tried to bolt under the loveseat, which was a mistake. I can slide a loveseat, you stupid inspect. Splat! [Limping away.] Splat splat!
Produced this video for my old best friend's wife who's trying to have her daughter challenge Bug to a danceoff. Clearly he and she understimate my ability to waste a night editing videos sampling songs we used to listen to ironically in 1993.

This Is Important

2010-06-28T06:49:00.003-04:00

I'm not proud to admit that, until Saturday, I needed to dust Bug's pancakes with confectioners sugar to get her to eat them. I don't like being anecdotal evidence of the kind of parent that couldn't serve a balanced breakfast.

But, you see, the kid wouldn't eat.

So, once a month out of guilt, I would try and slip in a natural alternative. And Saturday was time to try again:

(Small captions. I know.)

Fucking Acid Jazz

2010-06-25T00:07:00.003-04:00

They're playing 2:4 time, but she's clearly only equipped for a 4:4 polka or similar.

No Time For Daddy

2010-06-23T23:00:00.003-04:00

When you come home during the kid's prescribed 30 minute of TV dance time, you can't expect much.

She had another moment of fear going to bed tonight. Not sure what's going on. Daddy no like.

Bad Idea Genes

2010-06-22T23:27:00.004-04:00

Last night, about an hour after we put her down, the kid woke up like a shot and was screaming like bonkers for "mine pink things." Damn Wifus went in and tried to console her, but she kept screaming for her pink things.

She riggled out of the arms of her mom's nurturing but viselike grip, made a run for the closet, and started tearing her toy chest apart like a dog digging in the yard. Wifus and prior roommates have been subjected to this type of quasi-sleepwalking from me before: At times in the wee hours I'm like one of the shellshocked patients in Ted Striker's hospital room in Airplane.

A few years ago work got stressful, my wife would catch me using my pillow like it was a computer with a mousepad. I would warn the college roommate who was up at 3AM studying for a Spanish final that there were snakes hanging from the ceiling and they would fucking bite him. In high school, I would sit up in bed and do my best to keep from falling asleep because I was convinced I was actually in the middle of a lacrosse games. All fucking asshole wastes of time.

(MINE PINK THINGS turned out to be Mr. Potato Head's tongue and ears, which she needs to complete her Cthulu-style designs like the one above. Why she was terrified of not having these few particular pieces at 11 PM, I don't know. They've become more important to her since she saw Toy Story 3 and decided that the tuber and Jessie were friends. [PS. No time for your french fries, Daddy. It's time for Jessie to fly.])

Before my wife can console her or I can ever react, she breaks free and comes tearing around the corner screaming into our room screaming NOOOOO MINE PINK THINGS.

We didn't find them. She was consoled, brought back to reality and put back to bed. I'm sure this won't come up again repeatedly over the next 80 years.

Father's Day Weekend Went Boom

2010-06-20T22:58:00.002-04:00

Went to independent league opening day on Friday, got to experience the rare experience of cheering for Brooklyn. Fireworks thereafter. Saw Toy Story, gave silent thanks for 3D glasses that block view of my watering eyes, got a bike for father's day, gave Bug Saturday and Sunday rides around Prospect Park in it, which delivered some minor trauma to some bones. As long as I don't have to sit down at work on Monday I should be fine.

Read a few very nice remembrances of people's fathers online, don't have anything similar to write about Dad. No notable traumas to speak of, and picking out spots where he influenced me is like asking a fish to describe the water. "Thanks for everything," seems like boilerplate statement, but that's what I've got. Thanks for everything, Dad.

This Is a Two-Year Old Singing "Rocky Raccoon"

2010-06-17T22:49:00.010-04:00

In this video from Thursday, she's playing with her new Toy Story cowgirl doll ("Jessie. She love me,") and helping me sing the anthem of a couple of murderous cowboys who shoot at each other over a woman. As I'm sure you know, you the story wraps up with an inebriated doctor performing a botched surgical operation.

This was not the darkest storyline she's was exposed to this week, as we just took her to see Toy Story 3 which, I can attest, provokes mass audience sobbing.

Her time in the theater went kinda like the video above: With her engaged but also doing her own thing. It was a pre-noon show, so she could switch seats two dozen times and dance on the stairs as needed.

As for the movie: It'll bake your noodle. I was just thinking about the last 30 minutes of it and I kinda went off into space. Those Pixar guys aren't just great storytellers -- I've watched the first two at least 6x each with Bug, and as far as I can tell the series has always been about making peace with loss and the inevitable -- but with this one they really leveraged the fact that you can probably remember who you were when you saw the first one, and what's changed in your own life in 15 years since.

On that front, it completely shames a piece of hackery like the Star Wars prequels. The film itself was preceded by some ugly moichandizing commercials -- one for a video game that Pixar executives actually had the cynicism to come on screen and claim that "This game really lets kids play with toys the way kids play with toys," and one for a set of Toy Story-themed sticker book that would have fit right at Al's Toy Barn -- something I don't think Lucas was ever crude enough to do.

But the movie (Spoiling. Spoiling. Spoiling.) hit its climax in a volcanic wasteland that will be familiar to anyone who saw the third Lord of the Rings movie or Episode III. All three of these movies tried to evoke the end of all things, and only the animated one really made you look at the abyss.

If I was Brett Ratner staring into that abyss and I'd just call it a career.

... There were a two bits -- the worst bits in the movie for me -- that were derivative of other digital animated movies. Ken had a montage of outfits that set to "Le Freak." According to the internet they used the song in Shrek 2, but even beyond that -- and I may have been in a humorless mood because this was the approximate moment when Bug went from sitting to a full sprint toward the screen and managed to grab the curtain skirt below it before I was able to grab her -- the comic timing of the whole thing was pure Shrek: quick cuts, irony on steroids.

And then they went to the stock character of Aughts digital animation, the muy caliente sidekick, previously played by Antonio Banderas in the Shrek franchise and by Robin Williams in the god damned dancing penguin movie.

Again, unoriginality aside, I thought we were done with the whole cartoon ethnic humor thing.

I would have enjoyed the whole thing more if they'd abandoned the whole Buzz-goes-loco subplot once they realized that Tim Allen's limited range would require them to hire an entirely different actor to play "Spanish Buzz."

(I'll be editing and adding to this piece all day, I'm sure.)

The Ghostess With the Mostest

2010-06-15T23:49:00.000-04:00

Dang Is Right

2010-06-09T23:08:00.003-04:00

Chilling in the parking lot after her debut.

Second Outfit

2010-06-09T06:26:00.002-04:00

(Note the Blind Melon influence.)

This is the outfit Bug wore on stage after a collection of adults and teachers opened the event by lip syncing to "We're Not Gonna Take It." It was like a truckload of Waiting for Guffman t-boned an unsuspecting car full of Glee and the result was a grisly scene all over the intersection.

When the time came for Bug and her three dance companions to perform, things went predictably: The curtain went up, my daughter saw hundreds of people looking at her, and she ran right off the stage. A teacher coaxed her back, leading her through the basics of the steps, and then another child lost her nerve and ran off stage left. A third simply stood like a pole in the ground, pressing her hands over her ears.

Midway through the song, there was a teacher our for each little girl, holding the kids by both wrists and walking them through the routine like puppets.

Eventually Bug, trooper that she is, began bending her legs and kicking her feet to the beat. By that time, the other three had escaped their teachers and were standing in a huddle watching Bug perform.

As the song ended, she bowed and blew a kiss to the audience, and then the curtains closed, apparently confident that she nailed it.

Backstage

2010-06-08T06:50:00.003-04:00

I'm not saying the dance recital wasn't a classy event, but at one point they sent a preteen student across the stage wearing a sandwich board advertising Zumba classes like she was a human pop-up ad. More to come if I get off my lazy ass.

A teaser:

Work-From-Home-Friday Is a Safe Environment

2010-06-04T15:56:00.005-04:00

Stepped into the bedroom to take a call. Came back out to find this. No, she's not allowed to stand on the couch. No, she doesn't have the balance to do it very long. Yes, she has a dance recital on Sunday. Let's hope some of these 19 seconds of rhythm stick.

Check out that glazed look in the eyes when she tries to dance and watch TV. The talkin' box done already stole part of her childhood.

Old Car Designs Are as Interesting as iPods'

2010-06-03T06:58:00.001-04:00

It's Getting Smarter

2010-06-01T21:57:00.005-04:00

You remember the scene in A Christmas Story, after Ralphie has discovered the BB gun tucked behind the furniture, but before he has taken the rifle out into the snow, when the father is nervously muttering half-sentences as he at first tries to guide his son to load the gun, and he realizes with each half-finished sentence that Ralphie has been thinking about this all night, and that his son already knows full well how to load BBs in through a funnel and pump the stock?

This is like that but with Apple products. Yesterday's work with the iPad was weird, but that was a case of a kid manipulating a screen almost as big as her. It was a feat no more challenging than me pointing to Joe Buck's head on a 52" television. And the day before that she couldn't make heads or tails of the Sesame Street app.

Her work with the iPhone here -- lookit that left thumb cradling that thing like she's been playing Contra for years -- is a moment of freaky day-over-day brain development.

Touchscreen

2010-05-31T23:45:00.003-04:00

I'm still working on the video of Bug's trip to Adventuretown (you can find a few pictures on the Tumbr). In the meantime, rest assured that she is getting the best of every gadget in the house.

I promise tomorrow's entry will include pants.

Video Camera Re-Acquired

2010-05-30T23:12:00.000-04:00

Wifus sprang for it in time for us to catch Bug's first attempt at song:

The Plan Is To Consolidate All the Holidays

2010-05-25T22:29:00.000-04:00

From Junebuggin' Plus

Site News

2010-05-23T22:01:00.004-04:00

The death of my flip cam and a lack of inspiration with still photography have led to a string of no-show days here. I've stayed relatively busy on the Facebook page and the Tumblr, which I've now swapped in on the right. (I'm burned out on Neighborhoodr at the moment.) Both of those are devoted to bizarro family-related stuff I like. I seem to have more inspiration to send thoughts there through my phone then to sit down and type here.

So, for the immediate future, consider this a place for big pictures of Bug and, once my new camera arrives, a renewed focus on videos of Bug. Look for bite-sized bits of father-related madness at the other two. Or follow my increasingly Africa-obsessed Twitter account. Or ignore them all and keep coming here the airbrushed beauty you've come to expect.

Profiles in Courage

2010-05-13T22:02:00.001-04:00

Damn Wifus is sick as a dog. But when I get home with the kid she still musters the strength to be awesome.

Jazzmatazz

2010-05-12T01:12:00.000-04:00

Bug and Her Upstate Cousin Do Carnac

2010-05-11T06:30:00.004-04:00

Johnny's routine -- close eyes, make prediction in search of laughs -- is strikingly similar to what this this New Yorker article covers parents on the Upper East Side. The only difference is one is funny, and the New Yorker piece is written in the form of funny, without any actual comic timing. Consider:

... as we all know, one day you’re signing them up for infant drown-proofing classes

I guess the joke is that because the babies are the ones tasked with learning, not the parents.

and ordering a complete set of irony flash cards

Because only obsessive New York parents would order "a complete set" of flash cars. Maybe those spend-happy Manhattanites never even get to the bottom of that stack. Maybe authentic people buy flash cards individually to test them.

and the next thing you know they’re applying for unpaid internships at the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Your guess is as good as anyone's. The whole thing goes on an on in this vein. It's like just about every story about parenting or children in that you can't tell if the editors and reporters actually thought they had a good story, or if they just wanted to write a parenting story because they new the breeders will read whatever they write about us.

Which we will. Articles about children are to young parents what Newsweekly cover stories about The Jesus You Don't Know are to septugenarians.

Ergo, thank god for sites like STFU Parents and Fucked in Park Slope that actually make it interesting to be a progeny-obsessed bore.

Mom's Day

2010-05-10T06:40:00.000-04:00

Say John, Why Ya Smiling?

2010-05-09T15:09:00.005-04:00

Because I'm in Jersey west of Manhattan. I got up at 5AM to drive the family home from directly north upstate. My GPS directionifier decided to direct me away from the highway that leads through the Bronx and Queens right to my house. Instead, it routed me to this magical wormhole: a tunnel that goes from Hoboken TO BROOKLYN:

So, yeah. The stupid thing routed me into famously uncongested downtown Manhattan, claiming all the way that it would take 2 minutes to get across town. So I unplugged the thing in frustration. It wasn't even necessary at that point, as I could just follow the hipdick daddy license plates, as they all lead toward Park Slope:

(Seriously: Seen as soon as I exited the BQE on Hamilton Avenue.)

This whole sad detour is just proof that, robot guide or no, there is no replacement for checking a map before you get in the damn car.

Nap Time

2010-05-05T00:30:00.001-04:00

Prospector Jane Thinks You've Sprung a Leak

2010-05-03T00:02:00.009-04:00

At the time of this picture, my Flip camera was striking oil at the bottom of our beach bag. We'd placed her water cup on its side within said bag, drowning the precious electronic bits at the bottom. (Besides that, Coney Island was its usual transcendent self. The kid said it "smells fun," which is what you'd expect from someone who defecates in the tub with a grin. She went down the 7' tall slide in the background by herself a dozen times.)

Got home, plugged the camera in again in hopes that it might just decide to revive itself. It had worked before, but not today. Later that day, I would put a glass of milk in a bag with a magazine. An hour later, I had a bag of southern literary mulch.

In lieu of video, I direct you to our new Facebook page, which at least offers frequent updates. We'll keep the photoblogging going here and there until the new camera arrives.

I'm Cambot to Her Tom Servo

2010-04-29T06:58:00.001-04:00

Rain Out

2010-04-25T11:27:00.005-04:00

In New York City, it is notoriously difficult to find a family-freindly fare that doesn't include human fire hydrants, and the problem is only exacerbated on a rainy day. If you want to stop the kid from having a complete meltdown, the best solution is to stay inside and act like whatever she's playing with is the coolest thing ever.

So She's Only Got One Move

2010-04-22T06:47:00.003-04:00

When kids watch the same video over and over again ("Bob the Builder: The Best Christmas Ever Featuring Elton John"), they inevitably fall into a rut. So what. I've seen you on the dance floor. One move is one more than you've got, leadfoot.

Of the Meadows

2010-04-21T07:16:00.001-04:00

Ow II

2010-04-18T19:10:00.005-04:00

A succession of events:

The kid watches a Lady Gaga video 8 times
The kid demands a 9th viewing
Daddy can't face that possibility, so he tries to distract the kid
The following:

Before this I had carried two bags of laundry to the 'mat and run around the neighborhood with Bug on my shoulders. I think it was the latter that produced a knot on the side of my neck that felt the first symptoms of the transformation Bruce Campbell went through in Army of Darkness.

These Things Just Show Up on My Camera

2010-04-16T23:30:00.003-04:00

I plug in the USB and it downloads the contents of the camera and OH MY GOD. The right side of her face is a dead ringer for Shaggy 2 Dope.

:(

2010-04-14T22:53:00.005-04:00

This story read by Uncle Tom was so sad that it wrecked Damn Wifus and Bug had to tuck her in for the night.

Release the Kraken

2010-04-14T01:33:00.000-04:00

If You Do Okay With That, Maybe You'll Get a Real Color

2010-04-13T00:21:00.001-04:00

Miss Her Kiss Her

2010-04-11T21:51:00.000-04:00

When Daddy and Bug Are Home Alone Together, Kitten Stickers Die

2010-04-09T11:34:00.000-04:00

Zapruder

2010-04-06T06:47:00.002-04:00

Easter Weekend in 3 Minutes

2010-04-05T00:23:00.002-04:00

I'll Wait Out Here While You Dry Your Hair

2010-03-26T07:04:00.000-04:00

No New Media Today

2010-03-24T23:04:00.001-04:00

(Via)

Cutish

2010-03-23T06:43:00.000-04:00

Online Shopping is No Easier

2010-03-21T20:28:00.003-04:00

It's exactly the opposite of having a personal shopper.

The Kid Was Small to Begin With

2010-03-16T22:35:00.003-04:00

The crawling at the end ups the creep factor. Thank you, New York Hall of Science, for giving me the jibblies free with my purchase of a $10 parking voucher and 4 coat check tickets.

Damned Internet's Down

2010-03-09T00:11:00.002-05:00

AYFKWTS?

2010-03-04T01:28:00.001-05:00

It's Kinda of Like Peek-a-Boo

2010-03-03T05:33:00.002-05:00

But her Boo face isn't designed to surprise you so much as terrorize you.

When the Deliveryman Brings Food, She Assumes It's Grandma

2010-03-02T01:32:00.003-05:00

She crapped in the tub right after this. It was a world-class segue into dinnertime.

That's No Way to Make Juice

2010-03-01T21:24:00.002-05:00

Thanks, quickstuff. Now she shotputs fresh produce.

The Key to Raising an Elite Child Is Setting an Example of Intelligence

2010-02-25T21:45:00.002-05:00

NOW DO IT AGAIN BUT THIS TIME HOLD THIS.

There's Nothing Purple Here

2010-02-24T21:31:00.000-05:00

Shouting it doesn't make it true, jerk.

The Joey Chestnut of Edamame

2010-02-23T23:09:00.003-05:00

Oh this isn't going to be a horror show on the way out at all.

Watch Video Made By a Toddler, and You'll Get to Leave Work Early

2010-02-22T22:28:00.005-05:00

As with Blair Witch, it's pretty mundane for the first :45. Then people start screaming and everything gets put into a blender.

This should kill off the remainder of the blog's readership. Dead.

Curling Fever

2010-02-22T07:02:00.001-05:00

Progress

2010-02-21T16:13:00.002-05:00

In Cold Blood was published in 1966, and it contained an interview with an upstanding young father from rural Kansas named Larry Kendricks who shared his home

with his wife, three active children, and a perpetually functioning television set. ("It's the only was we can keep the kids pacified.")

And Larry was OK with that. But I have a feeling that the following sequence (via Engadget) would have annoyed the cornfed crap out of Larry:

Fast forward 40 years, to when I have a young relative who could clearly enunciate the words "Feature Presentation" before he could clearly pronounce the name of his sister.

And that's because the entire "Feature Presentation" setup for media is twice as overdone among kid's media. The Matrix example above has three trailers. Happy Feet has seven.

Point being, if the marketers want your kid to sample some Purple Dinosaur, your kid's going to sample some Purple Dinosaur. Unless you just unplug the TV. But neither me nor Larry are man enough to do that.

(Addendum: Screw you, Samsung. Why do your TVs and DVD players have to play tones when they turn off and on like they're a Mac from 1996? Yes, my kid's addicted to the penguins on TV. But she's also addicted to running in circles yelling "Faster! Faster! Faster!" I'd be able to turn either machine off when she's in Tornado Mode if your machines weren't designed to make such loud, showy exits. Instead, I get the stink eye from her. God, you people are needy.)

Why the Hell Didn't Anyone Tell Me I Was Balding on the Back of My Head, Too?

2010-02-21T14:42:00.001-05:00

The things you learn when you use your kid to clean the ceiling.

Top n' Pop

2010-02-20T11:30:00.000-05:00

So You're Saying You're Tired?

2010-02-19T15:59:00.001-05:00

Don't look at me like that. She's sick and she goes down at the drop of a hat.

Valentine's Day Pancakes Don't Get Eaten

2010-02-14T13:31:00.001-05:00

Though powdered sugar occasionally does.

Two Phases of sledding

2010-02-11T07:22:00.002-05:00

Denial:

And the inevitable embrace of high that comes from dangerous situations:

Video Issues Continue

2010-02-08T22:39:00.005-05:00

There seems to be issues with both YouTube (the videos don't upload, and when they do they don't play) and my camera.

Are folks able to watch this OK?

A Scene From "Blue Velvet"

2010-02-07T20:47:00.003-05:00

Also from a bank, where she was making people uncomfortable. That's a croissant, but she was treating it like Frank Booth treats a gas mask.

Private Eyes. They're Watching You

2010-02-01T23:00:00.002-05:00

2010-01-31T13:31:00.002-05:00

When we had the kid, we largely traded quality Saturday nights for quality Sunday mornings. They each have their downsides. Night's at the bar can end poorly, and peaceful morning's at home can be invaded by the specter of Charles Osgood.

But it's very hard to beat a morning with the Kindle and feeding one kernel of cereal at a time to Damn Buggins.

Second Birthday Today

2010-01-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

Technical Difficulties

2010-01-26T06:37:00.000-05:00

Anybody see where I left the camera?

2010-01-25T06:50:00.001-05:00

Reminds me of forks-in-rolls dance.

I Blame DreamWorks for Her Language

2010-01-21T06:34:00.000-05:00

And It Does Not Come at Work

2010-01-20T07:16:00.001-05:00

Standing outside the family day care center.

Repeat 47x

2010-01-19T07:10:00.002-05:00

Another dimension another dimension another dimension

2010-01-15T17:56:00.000-05:00

"Fish!"

2010-01-11T19:27:00.000-05:00

The child is enthralled by the nature segments at the end of "Sunday Morning."

Indiana Jones and the Plastic Cow Under the Couch

2010-01-10T23:04:00.003-05:00

Note that the flashlight gets left behind. Probably as a counterweight after she stole the idol off the pedestal.

(Yes, this guy's voice is the background noise of my nights.)

Learned Behavior

2010-01-07T07:17:00.001-05:00

I Pretend I'm Browsing While I Have a Movement

2010-01-05T23:14:00.000-05:00

Neal Peart Will Be Signing Drums From 2:30 to 2:45 PM

2010-01-04T20:09:00.002-05:00

No, I do not care. Rock Band drums cannot be made uglier. Yes, she surveys her work with a triumphant TAH_DAH.

I'm Unclear on Whether This Violates Elton John's Copyright

2010-01-03T22:07:00.002-05:00

Yes, the two-year old has an iPhone. She learned "Crocodile Rock" after Sir EJ guest starred on BtB. She seems to have the refrain down.

Season's Over, Pack Up the Trucks, Pack Up the Blocks

2010-01-02T22:33:00.000-05:00

Spider-Girl

2009-12-31T06:17:00.001-05:00

I Tried to Tell Her

2009-12-30T01:54:00.001-05:00

She Never Tires of Bob the Builder

2009-12-29T04:33:00.000-05:00

Rain, Clear Me a Path

2009-12-28T06:20:00.000-05:00

The Plot to Wake Up Mom

2009-12-27T20:58:00.002-05:00

Step one: Gain entry.
Step two: Say hello to Santa.
Step three: Boo.

Dangerously close to self-aware

2009-12-26T12:15:00.003-05:00

Any adult who tries to read directions for a toy while being harassed by said toy is probably a grandparent and certainly deserves a medal.

She Stayed Up Past 11

2009-12-25T00:46:00.000-05:00

She was done by the time we got home.

Dear Santa

2009-12-24T15:32:00.003-05:00

By this time you will have eaten my cookies and will be wanting a palette cleanser. On the table in the far corner you will find two glasses of milk. One contains a poison that is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

So, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink -- and find out who is right, and who is dead.

Yours,
Bug

Her Antlers Are Growing Faster Than Her Head

2009-12-23T15:30:00.000-05:00

Robocop 4

2009-12-22T15:29:00.000-05:00