A pound of warts surgically removed a day keeps the doughy waistline away.
Speaking of: Me and wife were going on a walk for some ointement for my seeping finger chasm, when we walked by the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Company.
We hadn't been there since we went for a class on enjoying French Wine hosted by some guy from some famous French restaurant in the city. This short American kept saying that the only way to really get to know the subtletites of French wine was to keep drinking it night after night.
When he took questions, I said that while that sounded very nice, was there anything he suggested someone do if they didn't have enough money in their grovery budget to be drinking wine more than once every two weeks ro so.
He contorted his face into something laugh-like, but that was all he could muster with the albatross of my boringness thrust upon his shoulders. With the impatience of a man who has to suffer fools every. where. he goes, he told me that if I was going to have that kind of attitude there really wasn't much hope for me.
I would have cracked him over the head with a can of PBR ASAP had the event not been part of a fundraiser, and had the funds raised not supported the BSSC in its primo dope mission.
The BSSC is a mock-up of a store where Batman would come to get new grappling hooks and Mr. Fantastic would stock up on Irradiated Moon Crystals. A kid came in yesterday to buy an empty can labeled "Super Jet Pack Fuel" or something similar, and after mom handed the cash over, he was asked to stand in front of a podium.
Cashier, through a microphone on the podium: "Okay, now before you go, I need you to do one last thing. I need you to read the creed on the wall, so that we know that you will use your jet pack fuel for good, and not for evil." Boy looks at his mom, then at the cashier. "Do you understand? We need to be sure you will use these items for good. Can you say the creed?" Boy nods almost imperecptibly. "Okay. 'I hereby promise."
Boy, coughing on the first word: "I..."
"I hereby promise."
"I..." Again the coughing, and I worry that he's got asthma and these public recitations shouldn't be sprung on him.
"I hereby promise."
"I hereby promise."
"To use this item only for the sake of good."
"To use this item only for the sake of good."
And it goes on like that for three or four more sentences. Kid eventually talked just fine, he just had the nerves, but those first two nervous iterations probably served to sear the whole experience into his memory.
So, say what you will about David Eggers.
Go on, get it out.
Don't worry, I'll wait. Say your piece.
There you go, doesn't that feel better?
OK. Having said what you will about Eggers: He set this place up, and it's one of the most primo dope places I've seen in my lifelong search for prime dope. Sadly, not every kid can stumble onto One Eyed Willy's treasure map and spend a summer running from the Joe Pantoliano and the rest of the Fratelli family. Those that can't deserve their laser crystals and zero gravity shoe soles.
