My cousin, Mike Mahoney, hit his first major league home run last night.
This is impressive enough by itself. But when you consider that Mike suffers from the dreaded genetic affliction known as Nessus Benchwarmus, it's damn near Herculean.
I know, because my childhood was completely debilitated by the disease, which eventually developed into full blown Athletus Shitbaggus. After five lacrosse seasons, I still couldn't catch and run at the same time. At swim meets, I had trouble diving into the correct lane and over incoming relay racers. In the 100 meter backstroke, I hit my head on the gutter at the end of every lap: four times.
Imagine having to face down a major league pitcher with an 8-4 record with that kind genetic anchor dragging behind you. The kid in "My Left Foot" had it easier. Mike Mahoney, you are a bad, bad man.
