I hope you've already had breakfast.
Ladies and Gents (But Mostly Gents), Your 2007 Hottest Female Athlete: Ashley Force: That's a really impressive victory, given Finch's established status as one of the most beautiful women in sports, and high name-recognition among most people.
New York Hates College Football: Also notable non-hotbeds for college football: Hartford and Albuquerque.
You Can Own Mike Tyson's Excrement: Apparently any human being on this planet with possession of $31.00 can purchase a piece of Mike Tyson's dookie. Per Injury Rate, there's a website called Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids that sells pieces of celebrity excrement, skin cells, and bacteria.
It's Raining Umbrella Girls In California: This Labor Day weekend, Zucker will debut the 43 California Speedway Girls. 'Cause, you know, that's just what drivers with two more races to make the Chase need to distract them on pit road before the race. Go 'head ... put that nail right in Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s coffin.
Empty Your Piggy Banks: The Bonds Ball Goes Up for Auction Today: Without being utterly serious about something that should be treated lightly, this is yet another instance in which Barry Bonds' swirling cloud of suspicions pollutes an incredible acheivement. We should be gearing ourselves up for an A-Rod-esque bidding war; instead we're lamenting collector apathy, and being apathetic ourselves. Sad, sad.
Shocking! Little Leaguers Can Be Immature: One of the dangers of holding these kids up as perfect examples of purity and sportsmanship is, well, they're not. They're just 12 year old boys, and they sometimes do things that would make an adult cringe ... such as spitting into their hand before shaking their opponent's hand, as this video clearly shows.
Antonio Puerto: Dead at 22: A 22 year old with all the promise in the world has something completely outside of his control-- arrhythmogenic right ventricular cardiomyopathy--end his life before it's even really started, robbing a wife of her husband, a child of its father, and Sevilla fans of a budding young star in front of their eyes.
The Debriefing: Hokie Fans, Feel Free to Be Your Normal, Loud, Hostile, Selves: Tech wants to show ECU some appreciation, which is nice ... but send them a thank-you card. A singing telegram, a lovely fruit basket ... something private. Don't cheer for them. If I turn on the TV Saturday, and see an opposing team being cheered in Lane Stadium ... it just won't feel right.
Penn State's Offense Trains With Madden Video Game, Joe Paterno Probably Doesn't Get It: He barely grasps (nor cares to grasp) the simplicity of text messaging. Imagine having to explain this to him ... yikes. Instead, quarterbacks coach Jay Paterno is in charge.
Rafer Pinched for Nightclub Stabbing: Alston's lawyer claims that the victim's story is hogwash, and that he's already got two bouncers lined to clear his client. Alston was released without bail last night.
Bridget and Tom's Baby Not Named Brady: Personally, I think they did the kid a favor. Not to say that Moynahan isn't a distinguishing surname, but it would be tough to carve out an identity when you're sharing a name with a three time Super Bowl winner.
Lance Briggs Calls Actions 'Exceedingly Dumb': Yes, the circumstances surrounding Lance Briggs' $350,000 single-Lamborghini accident are still shrouded in mystery, but while Matlock gets to work on that, it's worth pointing out that the Bears linebacker saved himself a lot of headache by telling his side of the story.
Tim Couch Might Have Been Juicin': If you asked me to make a list of NFL players likely to be steroid/HGH users, Tim Couch would be just after Cowboys' kicker Martin Gramatica. Which is to say, he wouldn't be a suspect. Well, if you had Couch in the "He's a juicer" pool, congrats, you're the big winner.
Hank Aaron: Michael Vick 'A Very Good Guy': Aaron's opinion that Vick's problems were brought about by "bad apples" around him is a common one, but there's really no evidence to support the idea that Vick is in any sense a better person than his three co-defendants.
Happy First Anniversary, NFL FanHouse! Personally, my favorite non-football NFL post was the "Carson Palmer's FARKed Hot Dog." FanHouser Charles Rich wondered what would happen if the FARK photoshopgeniuses got a hold of Palmer's ill-advised hot dog advertisement.